Flowers On a Child's Grave, Now What?

I am sitting in front of my computer screen wanting to write a blog about surviving the loss of a child.  About my son DJ who was amazing and fun and full of goofiness and laughter and smiles.  I am wanting to write something but I don't know what to write and then it occurred to me- I am losing memories of my boy and that breaks my heart. It has been almost 18 years since DJ passed away.  I realize that time takes a toll on memories but I am looking around my house and DJ was never in this house so there are no memories of him here.  Our dogs do not know him, he never sat at this kitchen table and had dinner, he never slept in this home.   This grieves my heart today.  This is throwing me into a tailspin.  I didn't plan to have grief hit me today, I didn't plan on missing DJ so much today because I don't see him here.  I didn't plan on being sad today. Grief can be sneaky, it can come at you from nowhere and "getcha". Like a bad game of tag. Today, at lea

I went to lunch with a friend today.  I ordered a granola, and yogurt mixture with bananas, berries, and nuts.  It was super good and yummy and made me happy.  I choose foods that make me happy. This might seem just fine and normal but I want to share why this is my new normal since DJ passed away. After DJ passed I decided I was going to eat what I wanted and not what was expected of me at restaurants.  I chose chocolate pie and grits at a Village Inn, I ate the fudge with the nuts without the ice cream because in reality, who wants the ice cream anyway? It's just a pathway to get fudge and nuts- I didn't want or need the middleman anymore.   I don't do this as often anymore.  But why did I do it after DJ passed away? I did it because I was honoring DJ when I ate my food.   He loved chocolate, he hoarded chocolate in his bedroom. I had to hide chocolate chips in the vegetable drawer of my refrigerator otherwise he would eat them and then I couldn't make chocolate chip